Things Fall Apart

9 Sep

Oftentimes my life feels like a Built to Spill album. Right now is one of those times.

“We’ve all seen enough now it’s time to decide
The meekness of love or the power of pride
It doesn’t matter if you’re good or smart
Goddamn it, things fall apart”

This year has been full of unexpected twists and turns. It seems like in April everything collided and demanded for me to make a change. Since then I’ve been swept up in the whirlwind of “what the fuck do you do when the last five years were just spent pouring energy into a dream turned nightmare?”

Trace and I left Circle Acres. Let’s just say things weren’t working out. There are multiple layers to this, many of which deal with lack of communication, mutually beneficial relationships and responsibility. These are often the tricky parts of a collective.

This year I will not be building our strawbale home, nor will I be homesteading on the same scale. I will not be living in a rural community that doesn’t care much about superficial things. I am, however, ready to work on the I will be’s.

It’s been an interesting experiment, though I wish I would have gone into it viewing it as an experiment. Instead I was totally dreamy about spending the rest of my life there with good friends and food. I’ve gone through a number of emotions about this, from total relief to deep sadness, but at least I feel like I’ve truly tried so I don’t have many regrets.

Trace has written two beautiful posts about this as well: About My Disappearance  and Outline.

We’re now in Durham in a cute neighborhood on half an acre, for 2 years or forever. Time will only tell. Silk Hope will always be in my heart. There are many homesteaders there that I admire and have learned from.

I look forward to closing the last chapter of my life and starting the new one, falling in love with new projects and continuing to work towards a deeper and more fulfilling life.

2 Responses to “Things Fall Apart”

  1. Marlow September 9, 2011 at 9:09 am #

    Beautifully written. Fair and Honest.

  2. Oliver Atom (@atomoliver) September 19, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

    Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

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